SILVER SPRING, Md. — Disruptive flatulence in Adventist churches may soon be a thing of the past.
The General Conference headquarters of the church has contracted with an innovative pew cushion manufacturer that has developed fart absorbent cushions.
“Once we roll out these new cushions, you won’t have to excuse yourself on Sabbath morning if you are feeling gassy,” said GC spokesperson Pedo Rico. “You will just be able to stay seated and let it rip.”
Rico warned that church members should wait at least a minute before standing up after availing themselves of the “forgiving features” of the new cushions.
“No technology is completely perfect,” said Rico. “It is 100% fine to stay seated during song service if you have just found sweet relief.”
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Does this new-found relief now replace our previous Confucian policy of “Man who fart in church sit in own pew”?
You have unveiled the 29th fundamental
Eat lotsa Little Debbies and you will feel much gas & turbulence. I do!! Wonderful feeling!!
Little Debbie’s is sponsoring the pew cushions:)
That’s a rare example of sevvy replying to his own comment (which was posted under his alter-ego name “RicheeeRich”).
Why are you doing it? If this church is from God you are blasphemy against his nation!
Well if you all quit eating those high calorie veggie link corn dogs, the church wouldn’t have to resort to these types of fart resistant cushions. I mean that’s why we took our kids to church, we always blamed it on them!