COLUMBIA, Md. — Citing a record number of complaints from single Adventists claiming they have no romantic prospects at their local church, the North American Division recently opened the world’s first Department of Adventist Dating.
The department serves as the Adventist matchmaking headquarters for the denomination in North America. It aims to arrange a suitable Adventist match for every single member in the region that is looking to get yoked and make Pathfinders.
To make this possible, the department is arranging weekly banquets across the continent and is requiring Jaime Jorge to play teary, romantic violin solos at each of them.
Adventists singles are asked to bring their A-game to these banquets whether or not they arrive with a date. Adventists men are reminded to shower before the events and practice stringing words into actual sentences while avoiding TMI.
Since announcing the new department, the NAD has been credited with creating a tremendous sense of unity across the world church as other divisions have organized similar banquets in their territories. Adventurous Adventist singles from every division have also signed up to attend banquets in other divisions, convinced they stand better chances where they can leverage their accents as rare and exotic.
The banquets will continue until every Adventist single is married or the Second Coming occurs.