SILVER SPRING, Md. — GC President Ted Wilson’s unacknowledged but widely imagined skunkworks technology team sprung a internal compliance leak yesterday. An unnameable source listed three projects in the works for release perhaps in time for Christmas giving.
Dressing like Ellen app: Snap a selfie or use an already snapped picture of a church member and this handy new Dressing like Ellen app from the Ellen White Estate will automatically update their in-picture wardrobe to comply with Ellen White wardrobe counsel. Great for confident posting to social media and may also be handy for touching up the current church directory.
Eating with Ellen app: Run your grocery list through the handy new app to identify any items on your grocery list not mentioned favorably by Ellen White. Makes dietary compliance provable should one be called before one of those newfangled compliance committees.
Harry Anderson-like Bible Visions app: It is so easy, just enter any Bible text and the new Harry Anderson-like Bible Visions app will draw a beautiful illustration that fully complies with the ever changing art policies out of the GC. The settings for this app are rumored to include age level options so the app always produces age-appropriate illustrations. The Bible, as diligent readers know, does include some sections rated adults-only.
Without acknowledging so much as even the existence of the skunkworks team, President Ted Wilson is known to be a big fan of technology. He was overheard quietly chatting with friends in the Kellogg Arena hallways at the Battle Creek Annual Council, “The great thing about technology is that G. C. policy compliance can be coded right in. I just love technology!”
He went on. “Theology, on the other hand, doesn’t have any coding. No matter what policy I think of, someone comes up with a Bible text to tell me I’m wrong. And don’t even get me started on Ellen White. There has never been a GC President that has been able to punch his way out of the Ellen White paper bag we all sooner or later find find ourselves inserted into by some church member, usually a woman. It is just hopeless! And it doesn’t matter where in the world you are. Most of these people can’t even speak English and they are quoting Ellen White to me! What troubles me most is that God maybe calling me to a third term.”
The leak may be related to an ANN news report describing a project by Carlos Magalhães, digital strategies manager for the Adventist Church in eight South American countries. Carlos has just released Apocalipse RA for Android and iOS. “Now, with the new Missionary Bible launched by the Adventist Church, it will be possible to visualize [Revelation scenes] using augmented reality,” the report explains.
The president’s skunkworks team is rumored to be funded off the G. C. Treasury books by personal friends of the president from the Adventist Laymen’s Services and Industries.
Special thanks to J. Nandrews for the guest post.
Special thanks to J. Nandrews for the guest post