SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a warning to amateur church historians, the White Estate has issued a statement saying that Ellen White’s writings contain absolutely no predictions about the winner Read more […]
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The entire Adventist Review staff spent last weekend trying on running shoes for a new monthly rating system that ranks shoes for End Times escape effectiveness. The Read more […]
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has sent out a special warning to its membership about false prophets that are predicting Oscar winners this year. “There Read more […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — World-renowned cryptographers based at the Smithsonian Institution have admitted utter and complete defeat in deciphering an early Adventist prophetic chart. The code breakers Read more […]
BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — A discounted guide to the Mark of the Beast has gone on sale at Adventist Book Centers for $6.66. Adventist customers have been warned to get their copy Read more […]
ADVENTIST WORLD — Wild-eyed conspiracy theorists running backwoods independent prophecy ministries from cabin studios across North America are running competing fundraisers to cash in on today’s Read more […]
FLORIDA — Expressing extreme frustration with the flatness of their home state, Floridian Adventists are leaving en masse for what they call “End Times reasons.” They blame the lack of mountains Read more […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Adventist Church has been forced to halt one of its favorite witnessing activities after President Donald Trump banned distribution of copies of Ellen White’s The Great Read more […]
COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Biblical prophecy experts from Southern Adventist University released a formal statement saying the Atlanta Falcons are prophesied to win the 2017 Super Bowl. “For the Read more […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The latest addition to the time-honored tradition of White House pets will be an entirely new species described by President-Elect Donald Trump’s staffers as a “lamb-like Read more […]
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