Report: Adventists can’t hold hands in circle without singing “Side by Side”

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — In the largest study of its kind ever conducted, researchers have determined that Adventists find it absolutely impossible to hold hands in a circle without singing the chorus Read more […]

Adventist Church bans organs for scaring little children

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a controversial ruling that sent shockwaves throughout the denomination, Adventist leaders decided to remove all organs from Adventist churches because of their tendency Read more […]

Adventist Church removes “ultra-violent” Onward Christian Soldiers from hymn book

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have admitted that, given substantially heightened tensions around religiously-motivated violence, there is no place for the Read more […]

Justin Bieber to lead praise at Loma Linda Academy Week of Prayer

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Openly Christian heartthrob and recording artist Justin Bieber has accepted an invitation to be the praise leader for Loma Linda Academy’s Week of Prayer later this school Read more […]

Zayn Malik leaves boy band One Direction, joins Heritage Singers

BRADFORD, England — British heartthrob Zayn Malik spoke out for the first time today about his plans after quitting ultra popular boy band One Direction earlier this week. In a complete Read more […]

Pentatonix to headline at GC San Antonio

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Wildly popular a capella group Pentatonix has been booked to perform at this summer’s July 2-11 General Conference session in San Antonio. The group, formed in 2011, Read more […]

General Conference building on lockdown after discovery of drum set

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Hundreds of church executives and other employees have been trapped inside the General Conference building since the spotting of a suspicious-looking drum set in the GC Read more […]

Sligo Church to get a smoke machine

Takoma Park, Md. — Hailed as an “historic milestone in the growth of Sligo Church,” Senior Pastor Charles Tapp announced today that the church would inaugurate a smoke machine next Sabbath. Read more […]