Elon Musk To Send Student Missionaries To International Space Station

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Following the news SpaceX has safely brought NASA astronauts to the International Space Station and back, company CEO Elon Musk has announced he will be sending up student Read more […]

Pathfinder Department Bankrupt From All The Jetpack Honor Accident Lawsuits

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SILVER SPRING, Md. — It is with heavy hearts that we announce the bankruptcy of the Pathfinder Department exactly one week after the unfortunate launch of our latest Read more […]

Adventists: “Raptured” Evangelical Really Just Snatched By Federal Agents

PORTLAND, Ore. — Adventists in the Pacfic Northwest have done their honest part to point out that local Evangelical, Agah Peh, widely assumed to have been raptured yesterday, had simply been snatched Read more […]

No News Is Good News: It’s Been A While Since Women’s Ordination Has Been In Adventist News So It’s Safe To Assume It’s All Been Solved By Now

Over the last few months, nobody’s been saying much about women’s ordination. We’re guessing that’s because we Adventists have officially worked the whole thing out. Who knew we had it in us Read more […]

Nobody Celebrating Unbroken Record Of White, Male GC Leadership

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The traditional ivory white sheet cake at the annual gathering of Adventist Heritage Enthusiasts was dispensed with this year due to the difficulty of sharing cake via Read more […]

Takeaway From Distracted Evangelistic Campaign Attendee: Miller Lites Were Greatly Disappointing In 1844

Image credit: MobiusDaXter – File:Kenworth United Beverage HTS-30D pic5.jpg RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Interviewed immediately after attending an Adventist online evangelistic campaign from his living Read more […]