Adventists worldwide planning to get to church right after announcements

This Adventist would be lucky to get to church in time for potluck
This Adventist would be lucky to get to church in time for potluck

Adventists interviewed this week have confirmed their intentions to get to church right after announcements on Sabbath morning.

Claiming they could read all the announcements in the bulletin anyway, Sabbath-keepers worldwide said they didn’t want to feel too rushed on the Day of Rest.

“I’ve had to wake up before dawn every day of the week for work. The last thing I want to do is get up early on Sabbath as well,” said Lincoln, Nebraska-based Nome Gutsa. “Besides, the annoucements people always sound half-asleep.”

Even Adventists that are already at church for Sabbath School expressed no feeling of urgency to rush into the sanctuary to hear about bake sales, knitting circles and upcoming men’s conferences.

“If I hear the newsreel now, what will I have to read during the sermon?” said deacon Stayns Mazziv, of Binfield, England.

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  1. Jack Frost

    What’s all the hoopla about announcements? That’s my favorite part of the service, when I can find out what’s going on and catch up on the local gossip. It’s better than ABC News, CBS News, NBC News, Fox News, CNN, and Reuters (and Huffington Post, etc., etc.) all put together. If it weren’t for announcements, I would just stay home and read “Two Corinthians” or watch 3ABN (I love Danny Shelton’s show, “As the World Burns”).

  2. Fido Castro

    What I wanna know is, why are women allowed to stand at the pulpit and read announcements? That is a big No-No. A sin! The Bible clearly warns, “I do not permit a woman to teach or speak in church,” and “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak.” 1 Tim. 2:12; 1 Cor. 14:34.

    This is a serious violation of Scripture, and a moral slippery slope. If women are allowed to make announcements, they might be allowed to teach Sabbath School. And if they’re allowed to teach Sabbath School, they might be allowed to preach. And if they’re allowed to preach, they might be ordained. Enough is enough! Top 7 Reasons Why Women Should Not Be Ordained.

  3. Charlotte Webb

    My niece is a flight attendant. She enjoys announcements at church because it reminds her of some things she’s heard in announcements on the plane. These were actually spoken by real flight attendants (not sure if they’re still employed):

    “In the event of an unplanned water landing, your seat functions as a personal flotation device with a complimentary head rest. So you can take a nap and pray that the natives aren’t cannibals.”

    “This is an oxygen mask. Pull it down from the overhead area and put it securely over your face. And, unlike Bill Clinton, you will inhale.”

    “Keep your mask on until you’re told to remove it by a uniformed flight attendant. (Don’t listen to the naked flight attendants; you can’t trust them).”

  4. Rollo Koster

    I used to be in charge of announcements at my church. That was a bad choice on the part of the nominating committee, because everybody knows I can’t be on-time anywhere. I will be late to my own funeral. One Sabbath I rushed like Jehu to get to church, literally sprinted up to the podium, and did my best to read the announcements while still gasping for breath. When I walked off the podium, I finally noticed that I had only one shoe on; my hair was not combed; half of the buttons of my shirt were undone; my jacket did not match my pants, and my zipper was down. That was the day I resigned from doing announcements.

  5. Joe King

    It’s funny what the Nebraska guy said: “Besides, the announcements people always sound half-asleep.” Well, if the church ever runs out of announcers who look like they’re still asleep, they could certainly ask Ben Carson to fill in!

  6. Carrie Oakey

    Reminds me of how the kids hated announcements at summer camp. Every time the camp director started to announce the news of the day, the kids (and even the counselors, sometimes) would start singing lustily, “Announcements, announcements, announcements. . . .” I decided to try that in church recently. The first Sabbath, I got a few funny looks and good-natured chuckles. When I did it the second Sabbath, the deacon deacon was dispatched to tell me where to go (to the mother’s room). After the third Sabbath, I received an official letter from the Church Board, stating that my membership had been transferred to the local Catholic church.

  7. richard mills

    Listen UPPPPPP!. Time to get into the 21st century and modern technology. What is done in my church is that all the announcements are emailed to you on a Thursday. Look ’em over. Pick & choose-then you can snooze. Just show up at the closing hymn & benediction. Wham-Bam-Slam dunk-Thank You Ma’m. Only the greeter knows you is late. It works every Sabbath. Then go to the social hall for the adventurous pot luck and plenty of Little Debbies to tide you over. PS-most SDA’s don’t p[ay attention to the announcements anyways. If the event is free that Saturday night, we go. If the event is at another church, it’s too far away to go. Woe iz me!!

    1. Ray Kraft

      Richard Mills

      I was about to suggest that the church fast foward into the 20th century and send out all the announcements email, then I see you beat me to it. Asking the church to fast forward into the 21st century could be asking a little too much.

      If every church streamed all the church services so anybody could attend church from anywhere via their computer, TV, ipod, or any other device, then there would be no excuse for not being there wherever you are.

      1. richard mills

        Yo-Ray- That’s the reason we have Adventist media. Do you know that a large percentage of SDA’s actually stay home on Sabbath and watch the boob tube from sundown to sundown. Now you know why 3ABN, HopeTV and a few other SDA TV broadcasts are popular. Check out any SDA preacher on YOU TUBE. Your Sabbath schedule is full. Guaranteed or your money refunded. I mean your tithe! I personal like PMCHURCH. It’s got the latest, the greatest & biggest church bulletin around.

    1. Warning Bell

      7-Up, I thought I warned you about sleeping in church. The last guy who did that, is no longer with us. “Seated in a window was a young man named Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. When he was sound asleep, he fell to the ground from the third story and was picked up dead.” (Acts 20:9.) Don’t sleep in church!

      1. APlusDave

        Good answer, as far as you went. But, as Paul Harvey used to say, “Now, for the REST of the story” , ” But Paul went down, fell on him, and embracing him said, “Do not trouble yourselves, for his life is in him.” Acts 20:10 .

        So, if you see someone sleeping in church look for a deacon named Paul!

  8. Chris P. Bacon

    Anybody notice the dog snoozing on top of the sleeping Adventist’s head? The dude is going to wake up with ticks or fleas. He’ll miss the potluck, too. Maybe arrive on time for the dessert.

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