EVERYWHERE — After an insane night of discount sparklers, veggie meat platters and non-alcoholic toasts, Adventists grogilly greeted the first daylight of 2019 with throbbing Martinelli’s hangovers.
Early morning interviews with Adventists revealed that their New Year’s Eve celebrations had been countdowns full of debauchery, featuring action-packed games of Uno and edge-of-your-seat competitions to see who could make the wildest Shirley Temple mocktail.
Half of the Adventists interviewed admitted to having fallen asleep well before midnight.
Many reported intentions to watch the New York City ball drop, but something about the Hope Channel programming they watched beforehand had scores asleep on their couches less than 30 minutes past their usual bedtimes.
Those that made it to midnight powered by the sugar high of periodic swigs of Martinelli’s were barely coherent as they recounted the wildest night of the year.
A handful of Adventists even reported having thrown caution to the wind to dish out saucy New Year’s Eve pecks on the cheek.