Adventist church to increase permissible number of haystack toppings to 29


SILVER SPRING, Md. — After years of painful study, deliberation and taste-testing, Seventh-day Adventist leaders have decided to increase the already hotly-debated number of permissible haystack toppings from 28 to 29.

The new topping represents the second time in recent memory that fundamental ingredients of the recommended Adventist haystack have been expanded. The General Conference confirmed that the addition would force the printing of entirely new cookbooks for the denomination.

The announcement was immediately blasted as “gastranomic dogma creep” by those in the church that believe any formal haystack toppings declaration goes against the spirit of true Adventism.

Director of Fundie Iteration Annouo Khounseel defended the addition, saying it was necessary “as guacamole chips simply weren’t as much of a thing when we first came up with the toppings list.”

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  1. Gregory Matthews

    It should be pointed out that the fundamentalist Adventists demanded that the permitted toppings be limited to seven (7), the perfect number.

    The more liberal SDAs asked that they be increased to seventy-seven (77) toppings based upon the teaching of Matthews 18:21 & 22.

    It is expected that the compromise of 29 toppings will not calm the stormy waters and it may need to be resolved at the next General Conference in 2020.

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